Every successful relationship is successful for the same exact reasons by Mark Manson, Part Four:
4. Talk openly about everything, especially the stuff that hurts "We always talk about what’s bothering us with each other, not anyone else! We have so many friends who are in marriages that are not working well and they tell me all about what is wrong. I can’t help them, they need to be talking to their spouse about this, that’s the only person who can help them figure it out. If you can figure out a way to be able to always talk with your spouse about what’s bugging you then you can work on the issue." Ronnie
.
"There can be no secrets. Secrets divide you. Always." Tracey
I receive hundreds of emails from readers each week asking for life advice. A large percentage of these emails involve their struggling romantic relationships.
.
(These emails, too, are surprisingly repetitive.)
.
A couple years ago, I discovered that I was answering the vast majority of these relationship emails with the exact same response. “Take this email you just sent to me, print it out, and show it to your partner. Then come back and ask again.” This response became so common that I actually put it on my contact form on the site because I was so tired of copying and pasting it.
If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity—trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.
A client asked me why I eat healthy and what the reasoning was behind the choices I make. He was dumbfounded because of how young I was to care so much about my health. Perhaps some of the reasons that inspire me can be of use to you as well!
HEALTH AND WELLBEING: Eating delicious foods that I enjoy makes me feel amazing! We are what we eat! How we think, feel, and act can be greatly influenced by the foods we eat! I love preparing the food as well. There's nothing quite like preparing delicious food for yourself and the people you care about to express your love for them! Also, preparing food in advance helps reduce stress! I know that if my schedule gets hectic, I won't be bothered with concerns about food, knowing I will still be able to eat the foods I enjoy and that make me feel well because I already have them prepared.
APPEARANCE: I love feeling great, but I also love to look good! Food and movement affects how we look as much as how we feel! The foods that we choose to nourish our bodies with can dictate coloration of our skin, the shape of our teeth and face, the appearance of our hair, the shape of our bodies and much more! I take great pride in my appearance and how I feel, so I make it a top priority to make sure I am eating quality food to look and feel my best!
MY PARTNER: <4 It is very important to me that I take care of myself the best that I can so that I can live the life I want for myself and for my partner! I want to live as long, as healthfully and as able-bodied as possible! I love that her and I share that desire for ourselves and for each other! We inspire one another to be our best selves! All I have to do is say her name in my head and it reinforces and drives me more to the best person I can be!
FUTURE KIDS: This reason has always resonated with me! Not only do I eat for my health and well-being, but for my potential future kids as well! What I eat (and what my partner eats) affects us and them! Kids can develop problems even before birth because of their parents decisions on how they live and what they put into their body on a daily basis!
Every successful relationship is successful for the same exact reasons by Mark Manson, Part Three:
3. The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect
.
"What I can tell you is the #1 thing, most important above all else is respect. It’s not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion or lack of, nor is it love. There are times when you won’t feel love for your partner. That is the truth. But you never want to lose respect for your partner. Once you lose respect you will never get it back." Laurie
As we scanned through the hundreds of responses we received, my assistant and I began to notice an interesting trend.
People who had been through divorces and/or had only been with their partners for 10-15 years almost always talked about communication being the most important part of making things work. Talk frequently. Talk openly. Talk about everything, even if it hurts.
And there is some merit to that (which I’ll get to later). But we noticed that the thing people with marriages going on 20, 30, or even 40 years talked about most was respect.
My sense is that these people, through sheer quantity of experience, have learned that communication, no matter how open, transparent and disciplined, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable, and feelings will always be hurt.
And the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another, the fact that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another—often more than you each believe in yourselves—and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with what they’ve got.
Without that bedrock of respect underneath you, you will doubt each other’s intentions. You will judge their choices and encroach on their independence. You will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear.
